Saturday, January 3, 2009

Sweet Revenge!!!

I cannot help it...I am forced to do this to my beloved hubby, Daniel!  Let me tell you why...

We made plans to celebrate Christmas a few days early with our children-it was going to be a wonderful and fun day!  Dan would be heading to Playthings Etc. with Dakota-one of the coolest toy stores in the world!  The girls and I were going to the Grove City Outlets-a place my oldest daughter had wanted to go for a long time.  We would meet back home later that evening.  Elissa volunteers at the school, so she was with Amber and Dakota, enjoying the last day of school before Christmas vacation.  A nice little party sent them on their way to enjoying many days of vacation!

Unfortunately, the weather was rather severe, with sleet coming down, and the red warning level at let us know that it might not be a good idea to go. We hated to change plans, but thought we may have to, since the roads could be treacherous.  We still decided to get ready, in case the weather turned favorably.

I got in the shower, and was minding my own business, and I CANNOT believe what happened!!!    My wonderful husband of many years DROPPED TWO HANDFULS OF SLEET ON ME OVER THE TOP OF THE SHOWER DOORS!!!!!  I screamed!!!  I was in shock!!!

How could he do this to me???  The man I would NEVER think of doing something so cruel to, did this to me!!!  I thought he vowed to love, honor and cherish me!!!  

Maybe he did this because when I remind him that he said "I do", he always claims, "I didn't say "I do", I said "I'm a dude!""

I had to plot my revenge!  I considered putting ice cubes in his side of the bed, but reconsidered when I remembered that we have an electric heating pad under our sheet.  How would that sound..."Honest, officer!!!  It was just a joke!!!"

So what could I do?  What could I do?.....

Then I decided.  This is what I'm going to do.  I'm going to show the entire world one my husband's redneck moments.  Let me share the story in a nutshell...

After working several hours on our riding lawnmower that was broken, Dan was tired and exhausted from his efforts because they did not work.  Even tho he is a very mellow man, he became a bit agitated.  The lawnmower was still broke, and he wished the kids would have chipped in and mowed with the push mower.  This may appear as a joke, but I assure you, it is NOT!  I looked out the window to see my husband and daughter.  My daughter was riding the four-wheeler in the yard, with Dan sitting on the front rack, pushing our PUSH-MOWER!!!  Needless to say, I had to run and get the camera!  I had no intentions of using this for revenge, but it is all too sweet, and I must!
This, my friends, is what we call a REDNECK RIDING LAWNMOWER!!!

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Natural Folks

You know, the internet is an amazing thing!  I mean, who ever dreamed that we would be able to reach another person on the other side of the world with just a click of a button?  Snail mail taking a back seat to email, you can send pictures of family and friends, or meet some new pals that you have some things in common with...

Speaking of common interests, I remember when the computer was still rather new to me.  I enjoyed surfing around, and I found the wonderful world of groups!  Groups where you can find others who can give and take advice on any and every subject.  Although I cannot remember the name of the group, I thought I would check out a group that appeared to have organic ideas.  Hey, all of us can stand to eat healthier, right?  So I clicked and joined!  I was ready to read some of the other posters' ideas!  I could learn a thing or two, and be on my way to a new way of life!

Well, I did learn a thing or two rather quickly...

I read a post by a woman who no longer used shampoo for cleaning her hair.  I don't remember if she only used water or vinegar, but no more of those chemicals for her!  Not only did I read about chemical free hair, but also about chemical free bodies!  Being interpreted, that means NO DEODORANTS!  She added in her post that her husband didn't mind the smell!

This little girl right here learned all she wanted to learn, and quickly left the group!  

NO THANK YOU!!!  Give me Aussie in the purple bottle!!!  Give me Dove!!!  Give me Bath and Body Works!!!  And then douse me with Vanilla Musk or Chanel!!!  

It is probably a good thing I didn't read more than what I did....had I found folks that were against toothpaste and laundry soap, I think I may have crawled under the desk and hid, because surely I would have felt like I just stepped into the Twilight Zone!

By the way, does anybody have a mint?


Wednesday, December 31, 2008

If you live in a snowy climate, you will understand AND appreciate this Diary!

Diary of a Snow Shoveler 

December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow! 
December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snow plow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life. 
December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man. I'm glad he's our neighbor. 
December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so. 
December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Explorer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all. 
December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my rear on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like crazy. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel. 
December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room. 
December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying. 
December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white stuff fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August.  Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think he's is lying. 
December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she ... nuts??? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying. 
December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch that guy who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his hair. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the snowplow. 
December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of that white slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. 
December 26: Still snowed in. Why did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves. 
December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.  
December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am? 
December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her mother. Another 9" predicted. 
December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling!!! 

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

I Have Blon Roots

No, my title is not a typo--I really do have Blon roots.  Blon is my maiden name.

All of you lovely ladies with blonde hair out there, please do not take offense!  I mean, we all have a "dingy" moment or two, don't we?  It's just that in America, it's been connected to yellow hair.

This has worked in my favor, since my maiden name is Blon.

I'm a rather thoughtful girl, but I guess sometimes I try just a little too hard.
Like the time I asked my brother how old he was when he was born.....

Or the time my dear friend Brenda closed her fingers in the trunk of my car after we unloaded our groceries.  Our conversation went something like this:
Brenda: Josanne, I closed the trunk on my fingers!
Me:  (While finding the right key, and needing to be on the other side of Brenda to unlock the trunk), Ok, move!
Brenda: I can't!

And then there was the time that Brenda was telling me about her Aunt Lily.  Aunt Lily and her best friend Penny were not on speaking terms, due to some sort of conflict.  Apparently, it was pretty serious.  My subconcience must have held this information without my knowing it.  
During this period of time, Brenda had a Pampered Chef party, inviting friends and family.  So naturally, I went, since Brenda is my dear friend!  
Upon entering the home, I see Aunt Lily sitting across the room.  Happy to see this friendly aunt that I've enjoyed knowing, I say rather loudly(remember, I'm across the room), with much enthusiasm...
"Hi Penny!!!"
Uh....would you believe I accidentally called her Penny AGAIN that evening?

Really, now!  These were HONEST mistakes!!!
But it's moments like these that I find it necessary to mention that I have Blon roots.  Can you see the nodding heads of sympathy looking my way?  It seems to help during the times when I make BIGGER mistakes, such as the time I was certain that my lovely sister-in-law Sherrie was a year younger, and I tried to convince her too....okay, she is married to my brother, so she understands.....